Thursday, June 7, 2012

F.A.T. Friday. Shame, Devastation & Roller Coasters...

Welcome to my fourth weekly instalment of F.A.T. Friday! (That's Forging Ahead Together to a healthy lifestyle)

This Week's Suggested Topic Was:  What “triggered” you to take control of your weight and start on the road to healthy living? If you're already "there" what keeps you "there"?

I can hardly believe that I am about to divulge the TRUTHFUL reason why I embarked on this healthy living journey five short weeks ago.  It's so unlike me to be an open book when it comes to my struggle with weight issues.  I've spent most of my life pretending to be happy and putting on a "show" that I was comfortable and proud of my obesity.  I am who I am.  There is no denying that.  Meaning: Aside from the perceived appearance of a happy, gotta make a joke about my weight to seem "ok" about it...what you see is what you get.  I'm no phony.  Just a bit of an illusionist, if you will, when it came to my weight/body image.

Anywho, I suggested the topic and therefore I must follow through and share.

A while back I posted about Daddy Dave's and my 36 Hours in Orlando, FL.  I talked about the super-out-of-this-world experiences we had at Disney Quest, a virtual reality theme park.  What I chose not to failed to share with you is the single most devastating and shameful moment of my obese life...

Since our time was so limited, we had to come up with an alternative to visiting one of the Magical theme parks.  I was elated to discover that Disney Quest existed and that we could kinda have the joy of riding rides in 5 hours or less.  One of the main attractions was the design your own roller coaster.  Basically, you use a fancy-shmancy computer program to add as many or little twist and turns and loop-de-loops as you want and then you are placed in this "pod" that flips and turns and follows the roller coaster track that YOU designed.  Cool eh?  I know.

However, when we approached the ride there was THE dreaded sign that I had hoped not to see.  "This ride may not be suitable for certain body types"  read; if your fat your hooped!  It just so happened that the supervisor was standing out front and overheard me trying to determine if I should even "try" to get on this ride.  He was awesome.  He gave me the option to head back and "try out" an empty know so I wouldn't waste all my time designing the roller coaster of my dreams only not to be able to "ride" it.   He was extremely polite, discreet and didn't make me feel like a pariah of society.  I WAS embarrassed but I knew I'd "get over it".

I glanced at the seat and knew instantly it was going to be a tight fit.  I sat down and pulled the shoulder bars down and I heard a click.  I was so relieved that I wasn't too fat to fit in the ONE ride I had my heart set on riding.  Just as I was about to applaud myself for not allowing myself to get THAT fat,  I hear the man say, "You need to lock it down one more click."  *&^%!!!!  There was no way that was happening.  I was REALLY embarrassed.  But like I have often done, I began to "laugh it off" and said something like, "Oh well, I wasn't set on this ride anyways.  I don't really like roller coasters!"  A.Total. Lie.

It wasn't until I looked up at Daddy Dave and saw the look on his face that I felt total shame & ultimate devastation.  My heart sank.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Not for the reason you may be thinking.  No, my husband wasn't looking at me with disgust or embarrassment.  No.  Not. At. All.  He looked sad.  Not for himself, for me.  He KNEW how much I was looking forward to this ride and I swear he looked like I felt inside.  I seriously thought he was going to shed a tear as he gently rubbed my back and we walked away from the ride.  It broke my heart.  I encouraged him to ride the attraction but he refused.  This enraged me despite the fact that I knew he was doing that to try to be supportive.  But it felt like a slap in the face to me.  Not only was I limiting my own life with all this extra weight, I was now limiting someone else's.  Well, as it turns out, it was the "slap in the face" I needed.

My mind was racing for the rest of the day trying to process what had just happened.  What had been happening for a long, long time.  Questions were firing in my mind quicker than I could answer them; How long has my weight been affecting other people?  Have I been that selfish & delusional that I thought it was only me who lived with the sadness of being fat?  How could this wonderful, successful man love "this"?  ALL. OF. "THIS".?!  All I could think about was how disgusted I was with body.  It ruined the rest of our day at Disney Quest. 

Later that afternoon as Daddy Dave & I sat in The Blue's Brothers restaurant and I drank myself numb...I asked my husband for his support to start Dr. Bernstein again.  You have to understand a few things; Dr. B is a very costly program (he is an accountant), I can become quiet militant and difficult to live with while I am getting healthy and above all, there is no guarantee that I will be successful...permanently.  He didn't even hesitate as he grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze and said with such love in his eyes, "I will love you forever.  Big. Small. Somewhere in between.  Whatever you want to do and whatever you need from me, I support you and I am here for you...always!  I want you to be happy & healthy and live the rest of my life with you by my side.  Besides, I don't have the time or energy to find a new wife and mother for our kids."  (He's a comedian too...LMAO!)  Again, my heat sank but with great joy and appreciation for this man that was brought into my life to love me unconditionally...forever!

And that, my friends, along with the more obvious (to live long, to be active in my children's & husband's life, to feel good, etc.) is what motivated me to get healthy. 

And Finally...this weeks weight stats:

Week #5- Wednesday June 6, 2012
Start Weight: 282 pounds

Goal Weight: 150 pounds

Last Week's Weight: 257.4 pounds

Current Weight: 255.6 pounds

Weight Lost this Week: 1.8 pounds
Total Lost to Date: 26.4 pounds

*Since weekly weight loss may not be noticeable in pictures, I plan to post updated photos once every 3 weeks

Are you making the commitment this week? Come on then...Link Up & Let's (get) F.A.T!

Next Week's Suggested Topic: 
Write yourself a motivational reminder/letter about all the “good” things about your healthy lifestyle & why you are on this journey.  This will be good to have in 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 months or 10 years from now when you need a “pick me up!”   SAY's picture update time!


  1. Good for you girl! You CAN do it!!!!

  2. You are doing great! I'm sorry thatyou had that experience but I'm proud of you for using it as a turning point. You could have easily just gone home and ate away the pain and started to lock yourself away to avoid those kinds of things. Instead you decided to do something about it. Your husband sounds like a peach, btw.

  3. This was a very touching post. I am so proud of you.

  4. I have never met Dave, but absolutely love him! Keep it up girlie- you can definitely do it ;)

  5. Great post! You r doing awesome...and pls give Dave a big hug from me! What a guy! Karen xo

  6. I can only imagine the courage it took for you to write this in black and white...and then hit the "publish" button after that. Kudos, Ginger!

    Not only are you showing your family how to take charge of your life and your them one of the greatest gifts you can...but you're modeling courage in facing your fears and being really, truly honest.

    Cheering you on from the lower 48!



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